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It was the summer of 1990 and I was 19. I was standing on a long stretch of straight road in rural Iowa as part of a survey crew where we were marking a road to be resurfaced.
It was the first day helping this crew, a nice departure from doing other entry level jobs for the Secondary Roads department.
Carl was my boss and he was walking briskly straight towards me and he was furious.
As he got within 20 feet or so he started shouting, Quit screwing around! Pay attention! Get your head out of your rear! Except he used, shall we say, some more intense and colorful words.
I stood there bewildered as he tore me apart.
What happened next was a great learning experience for me and it’s become an effective illustration that I use in my business when speaking about healthy and unhealthy communication.
Earlier this week I hosted a breakout session for the Resilience and Wellbeing Summit in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. My topic was on Healthy Communication and I used this story about my summer job in 1990 to set it up, and it’s something I want to share with you today as we talk about being Approachable.
If you are tasked with leading a team of any size, then you must embrace this concept of being approachable.
Here’s why this is so critical: If you’re not approachable then without a doubt you’re missing vital information that would enhance your team’s success.
When you’re approachable
When you’re not approachable, basically the opposite is happening:
So being approachable should be a no-brainer.
So let’s talk about factors that might limit your approachability for others.
1. You are moody.
Moody people are up and down and this creates a feeling of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from your team. They don’t know which version they’re going to experience from day to day and it causes them to ask, “Hey, what mood is James in today? Is this a good time to talk about that problem we keep having?”
And when people realize today is not a good day because you’re in one of those moods, they just keep limping along which will impact your customer satisfaction and team morale. Two big things you can’t afford to compromise on.
2. You lack control over your emotions.
If you’re known for losing your temper, it will create a sense of fear and apprehension and you can be certain others won’t come to you as frequently or with as much detail because they don’t want to get yelled at or endure your meltdown. A wise CEO once explained his approach which is to never get too high during the highs and never get too low during the lows.
3. You give off that “Vibe.”
You know what I mean here. You say things like, My door is open, you can always come to me. Except your face and your body language say otherwise. People read that and they know that this is NOT the time to come in.
And the dangerous part about is that you end up getting frustrated when you learn that others perceive you as overly busy, and you react negatively towards them for not being willing to interrupt you!
Be careful here because that is destructive to your team’s view of you as their leader and it will unravel even further very quickly.
4. You are stressed.
People who are stressed are often hurried and rushed. They’re trying to make up time, trying to beat the clock, racing from meeting to meeting. A stressed boss creates a stressed team and it will prevent people from communicating openly with you.
5. Your ego.
When your confidence is unchecked you become arrogant. And arrogance is directly tied to your ignorance. That’s because overly confident people don’t ask for help and often portray, “I’ve got this.” They don’t seek input from others. They believe they’re supposed to have all the answers.
There’s a great quote by Andy Stanley that says, “Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.”
6. Your timidness.
This is another factor in approachability. We have to also talk about the timid leader who avoids conflict, resists giving feedback, or is reluctant to make decisions. Weak leaders actually are very approachable, however, because people have zero confidence that they’ll do anything with it, they choose go to someone else will help them.
7. You don’t make time to get to know the people on your team or around your company.
Building strong relationships is a huge factor in your approachability. When people simply don’t know you, they won’t be as open with you.
They’ll withhold ideas, concerns and suggestions. You’ll always have better dialogue with people when they sense you care about them and their needs and goals.
8. You are intimidating.
Be careful with this one because you might be setting the example so high that others can’t possibly match it.
It could be that you’re always the first one in in the morning or always the last to leave (or both!)
It could be your level of quality and excellence you produce seems like it can’t be matched and they wonder how you consistently pull it off.
These aren’t bad - in many cases they’re great! But a humble and confident leader realizes that at times they have to show their vulnerabilities - their weaknesses.
Not in a way to make others feel better - that’s false humility - but to show others that you’ve made mistakes, how you struggle at times… and it’s these situations that makes others respect you even more and it inspires them to do the same.
Being approachable is an essential quality for anyone who leads others.
Have you ever considered that your approachability is actually something that can be evaluated?
I actually work with senior executives and people in management all the time on how to be more approachable and specific areas to work to improve on.
If you don’t have a coach, you can still get this feedback by inviting others to hold you accountable and point out how you are coming off to others during times of stress or help you with your communication through your body language.
Let’s go back to the summer of 1990 and what happened as Carl tore me apart for being lazy, worthless and not paying attention…
Carl was so mad that I was missing the marks on the road as our crew of 3 was trying to get going.
I felt like I was one inch tall. Doug, who was “my friend” and another part-timer like me, said “Can’t you see this?!”
“Only if I’m right on top of it. Can you see it easily?”
“Yeah it’s bright red.”
“Well, for me it’s a shade of gray.”
“Are you color blind??”
“I must be because that red crayon is red until you put it on the asphalt. Then it’s just a darker shade of gray.”
Carl grabbed a yellow marker. With a heavy dose of cynicism he said, “Can you see that one?”
“Yes. Perfectly. Switch to that!”
We got going again. And I didn’t miss another mark on the rest of the job. Just miles and miles smooth sailing.
Carl never apologized. But on a Thursday afternoon, after a week of 90 degree temps, we finished. He told us he was taking us into town for a milkshake.
While I was standing there with Carl and Doug waiting for that wonderful chocolate shake, Carl said, “You did a good job this week.”
That was it. Nothing more was said. In that moment, it was enough…
But here’s what I want you to take away from my experience 33 years ago…
Don’t be like Carl. :)
Don’t assume the worst. Carl could’ve been more patient, kinder. He could have led with some humility. And he definitely could’ve treated me with some dignity that day.
Because when you lead with confidence that’s covered with humility, dignity that becomes a natural expression.
Not everyone has it, but if you’re listening to this podcast, I’ll bet you do.
I’m James Mayhew and I am blessed to partner with leaders to build purpose-driven organizations that are filled with talented people doing exceptional work on the most important things.
As always, I want to thank you for coming along on this journey with me and I’ll see you again on the next episode.
I’m James Mayhew and I am blessed to partner with leaders to build purpose-driven organizations that are filled with talented people doing exceptional work on the most important things.
Thank you for listening!
– James
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